O Canada Outbreak

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Comment by ISSUE ZERO MAGAZINE on November 8, 2008 at 3:34pm

there i was, drunk as hell, and playing hockey with a mohawk in a tim hortons parking lot smoking weed.
it was great, man, i was hammered.
the yuppies where extremely irritating that particular night, and i was down 5 to 7 and loosing interest when my red-skined friend noted we were running low on the bad-idea sauce, and we should stop drinking, just for a couple of minutes, that's all, and go to the liquor store and re-up.
maybe even smoke some home brewed Winnipegan Egyptian meth, too, which we did end up smoking. quite a lot actually.
on our way to the liquor store, we couldn't help but notice a few hundred people running and screaming, even though i was twitchy like a bastard. my buddy, "drinks-like-the-wind" commented...
"dont they usually head towards the liquor store?"
i had to hit him. that's all there was to it. plus i was getting a little belligerent.
when i got into the store, sorry, after i was thrown threw the front window from "drinks-like-a-machine", i looked around and noticed something a little different. one, the manager was being eaten by the cashier, for starters. two, there was a sale on brandy. that never happens, mostly due to the type of drunk it creates, that's why you never sell cocaine for cheep, there'd be dead motherfuckers everywhere, just like there was now.
then it hit me.
there was also a cocaine sale that day too, in the crack house beside the liquor store.
holding myself up against the johnny walker display, sorry, stealing fast as my drunk fingers would let me from the johnny walker display, i realized i was at least 100 deep in a furious help yourself to human flesh and crack buffet, fueled by the rapid brandy drinking that would make a eastern European go to one knee and pray.
it was pretty impressive.
later, people spectated that it was zombification, but i was there the whole time. people were going threw the brandy like a hobo convention and the crack was smoking like a comet hitting the whole city, with huge clouds of crack rolling down the streets.
there was nowhere to hide. the raging human eating was the effect of being too superhobodrunk to hit the next blast of really cheep rock, and going cannibal as a result.
luckily for my drunk ass, but as a matter of regularity for "drinks-never-ending" the "zombies" only attack the sober able-bodied people for their resistance to helping them smoke massive 100 stones because they cant do the shits themselves from the crippling brandy consumption.
then, in the midst of all that i realized it was time to do what i wanted to do since the day i was born, rip off the liquor store and burn that motherfucker into the foundation.
and boy did i ever.

Comment by Chemical Robotiks on October 21, 2008 at 7:53pm

thats crazy it moved all the way to alberta. i cant say i didnt see it coming though

Comment by Evert7 on October 15, 2008 at 8:35am

It started happening here in Alberta too!

Comment by hayden-bc on August 7, 2008 at 1:23pm

yeah i haven't heard much about this at all, all i've heard is that they come out at night

Comment by Living Deadgirl on July 12, 2008 at 6:41pm

About four years ago, I was walking along a river (can't remember the name of it) in St. Catharines, Ontario. I thought I saw a grungy, ragged bum just off the path. Decided to give him a wide berth in case he was crazy. I don't think he even saw or heard me, but I saw him, all hunched over gorging on something bloody and raw, cramming the stuff into his mouth with his hands, and what looked like a strand of intestine dangling out. His face looked rotten.

At that point, I ran as fast as I could go without bursting my lungs. I did not report that, because I didn't want the police holding me on what we call over in the USA a "5150." There's no way I would ever go back there, even to show somebody where this happened, but maybe I should. I am only passing the information along because of this outbreak.

Comment by BitchSplitter on July 1, 2008 at 4:11am

any one on in alberta or B.C

Comment by Hunter on June 30, 2008 at 7:07pm

I'm in Barrie, only 45 minutes away from Toronto, should i worry about any straglers comming into and possibly infecting my town?

Comment by Richard on June 15, 2008 at 8:03pm

i cant say much, but from whats goin on yes they are real. .

Comment by sara on June 12, 2008 at 10:29am

are there really zombies i have to know i seen a movie that said that the movie was ture, someone plezz tell me i need to know.

Comment by Brigitta M. on June 4, 2008 at 11:16pm

I'd like to echo Layla's comment. Nothing personal, we'll keep ours, you keep yours. That sort of thing.

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